How an Agarwal family in Canada planned a big, fat Hindu wedding for their son and his groom

It wasn’t till he completed college that Rishi Agarwal located the braveness to come out to his dad and mom.

whilst he was in high college, he knew of a homosexual Sikh student who devoted suicide after coming out to his dad and mom. And although he became privy to his feelings from a younger age, he came torealize that he couldn’t change while he was college.

“It became a hard time for me,” stated Agarwal, 35, an accountant via training. “My parents were social butterflies, and in that point frame we have been attending approximately 15 to twenty weddings in a yr. i used to be very glad for my family pals. but it additionally struck domestic internal, the sensation thati’m by no means going to have this – marry someone i really like, and share that with my circle of relativesand friends. It was difficult to accept that became the reality.”

but on a plane experience again domestic from a piece ride to Vancouver in 2004, he knew he had to expose his true self. all through his -week stay there, he had met someone. “It turned into the first time I held someone’s hand in public,” stated Agarwal. “even though my mother and father had a large social circle of circle of relatives and pals, it did not amplify to Vancouver. So i used to be capable of strivesomething new. And that man or woman gave me his heart, thru poetry. He gave me a card. It touched me,however I threw it away inside the rubbish. I cried the complete way on the five-hour flight again. And in that moment I knew that irrespective of what other people feel, whatever the reaction of my parents, theyhave to recognise.”

coming out

even as Agarwal stated his tale at the circle of relatives’s spacious home in Oakville, a suburb in thegreater Toronto place, in Canada, his parents Vijay and Sushma Agarwal looked on. even as the senior Agarwal carried a sheaf of papers for the assembly they had convened for the release of a PFLAG (parentsand buddies of Lesbians and Gays) chapter aimed at South Asians, his spouse kept a watch on thekitchen timer. The scent of samosas being warmed in the oven wafted over.

in many ways, Vijay and Sushma Agarwal are like your regular Indian uncle and aunty. for the duration ofmy visit, one in all their essential concerns become whether or not i used to be properly fed and hydrated.

“You must have a samosa,” Sushma Agarwal insisted, at the same time as ladling dollops of bhelpuri on my plate.

“I don’t how this lady is not thirsty,” Vijay Agarwal stored on saying. “I’m speakme so much and i am thirsty.here, drink water.”

but their reaction to their son’s statement changed into not your regular Indian uncle and aunty reaction.

while Agarwal advised his mother that he had something important to tell her, she ran to the storage to fetch her husband.

“I notion Rishi turned into in massive hassle, maybe he had gotten a female pregnant or some thing,” shestated. however she become devastated while Rishi made his statement. “i was just sitting quietly, these kinds of special thoughts coming to my head. How will he journey? He loves travelling. I didn’t knowanything. I got here from the sort of sheltered life.”

Vijay Agarwal, however, who describes himself as the person that “does the most of the speaking on thishouse,” began asking his son a sequence of questions – became he positive? Had he study any books onthe matter? was it just a section, a fascination?

Agarwal, meanwhile, was on tenterhooks. After ninety mins of interrogation from his “engineer father with a logical thoughts,” he desired to recognize where he stood. might he nevertheless be coming home for Sunday dinner, or no longer?

“I requested them if i used to be allowed back home, and my dad said, ‘that is continually your own home. Don’t even suppose in any other case.’ I felt like a ton of bricks had lifted off my shoulders,” statedAgarwal.

For the next 3 days, his parents went into deep research mode. They went to the nearby library and borrowed the whole lot they might discover on the LGBTQ concern – from books to DVDs made by means of the country wide film Board of Canada.

Sushma Agarwal talked frankly about her lack of understanding on the difficulty on the time. “I grew up in India at a time while ladies were presupposed to get educated handiest to discover a good husband,” she stated. “My lifestyles changed into faculty and again, we didn’t exit everywherewhen we had been removing the books from the library, i used to be wondering what this librarian must becontemplating us.”

Getting a second training

The Agarwals also began attending meetings of the mother and father and friends of Lesbians and Gayschapter in Toronto that occurred once a month.

“At that point, we without a doubt needed the assist,” said Vijay Agarwal. “due to the fact the mind werecoming, why us? What did we do wrong? while we went to the primary assembly, we felt – thank God weare not alone. There are others like us. this indicates it’s not that unnatural.

He delivered: “We in no way overlooked that meeting. i was so inspired that we volunteered to be on theboard for a 12 months. And we fashioned our minds that after we’ve got a while, we are able to do ourelement to help. this is so unfortunate for folks that are born this manner.”

soon after Agarwal came out, his dad and mom insisted he begin relationship. They desired to satisfytheir obligations as Hindu dad and mom, and notice their son properly settled with a existencecompanion. while Agarwal met Daniel Langdon, and finally proposed, his parents went approximatelythrowing a large fats Hindu wedding. This become in 2011.

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“We had already decided that as a ways as we are concerned there will be no difference between our elder son’s wedding – with all pomp and display – and my younger son’s wedding,” stated Vijay Agarwal. “We did all the Hindu ceremonies – mehndi, sangeet, wedding, the complete shebang.”

however convincing a priest become not a easy be counted. The Agarwal own family approached 8clergymen, who refused to conduct the ceremony. annoyed, Vijay Agarwal called his brother, whochanged into touring India at the time.

“I said get a few wedding ceremony books from Dehati Pustak Bhandar,” stated Vijay Agarwal. “And that if no priest is to be had, i can do the damn wedding ceremony myself… Thank god we were capable oflocate one priest who become inclined to do it. It became a beautiful ceremony.”

With their parental obligations fulfilled, the Agarwals are now taking motion at the promise they had made to themselves. The retired couple currently released a bankruptcy of PFLAG with the intention to be open to all, but will in general focus on supporting different South Asians whose cherished ones come out to them. As it’s miles, they have got already been informally helping human beings in their social circle to come back to terms with their queer recognized youngsters. the brand new bankruptcy is scheduled to satisfy on the primary Sunday of the month.

whilst we used to wait the PFLAG conferences, there had been such a lot of conversations going,among humans from all one of a kind backgrounds,” said Sushma. “One couple’s son committed suicide on Father’s Day due to the fact his father might no longer accept him. And we realised that this is notsome thing you may put under the rug and forget about approximately.”
introduced Vijay Agarwal: “there are many myths and misconceptions in our network. And my message isquite simple. if you take time to understand the issue and acquire the expertise, not handiest the kidsmight be glad, you yourself may be satisfied.”

As far as Rishi Agarwal is involved, his parentssupport for the LGBTQ motive has benefited him on apersonal and public degree.
during the last 12 years, many of my pals, who saw the manner my mother and father treated thesituation, commenced speaking to their own families,” he stated. “They instructed me how their relationships have advanced. and people pals have now turn out to be some of my closest pals.”

He delivered: “in the broader network, this has additionally had an critical impact on my lifestylesbecause I may be very pleased with my parents. Already, i’m able to see how a lot they have helpedpeople, simply via doing this release.”